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Stupid sh*t I said before I had a kid. 

We all say things we don’t mean, sometimes we don’t even know we don’t mean them till after the fact, so for today’s little peek into my world, here’s a little list of some of the stupid shit I used to say before I had a kid!

Are you someone with no children? Do you think your tired because you worked this week? And because on your day off you had to do something adult like laundry or food Shopping? And you sit down at the end of that day and think to yourself “God, I’m shattered now” 

YOU’RE WRONG.

You’re not tired. You’re not even close to tired. You’re merely a little low on energy, but you’re not exhausted.

Exhausted is when you have a tiny human following you round like they are your shadow for 12 hours a day. Tired is when you haven’t slept more than 4 hours a night since before you became the size of a 2 bed house about a year ago. Knackered is when you don’t remember the last time you didn’t feel like you needed to nap 5 minutes after waking up in the morning.

Word of advice: If you don’t have kids, don’t EVER say you’re tired in front of someone who does. And if you do, and they bitch slap you, you deserved it.

Let’s start this point with this: Hahahahahahahahah. 

Okay, so you think you’re busy between work, socialising, Instagram story-ing, and drinking? Try doing everything ever with a 19 pound dead weight attached to either your hip or leg. Like 4 loads of washing in a day. 3 loads of dishes. Emptying the rubbish twice. Showering yourself. Bathing the baby (granted at this point baby is not attached to legs or hips but still requiring 100% of your attention) Going grocery shopping. Cleaning the fridge. Putting that shopping away. Trying to drink a cup of tea that’s actually hot (yeah right!) Making dinner for baby. Making dinner for yourself. Put washing on line and in tumble dryer.  Still trying to drink hot cuppa. Putting washing back in tumble dryer because baby pulled it out again. Putting dry clothes in wardrobes. Repairing a fallen curtain pole. Changing ALL the bedding in the house. Bathing baby AGAIN and showering yourself again. Then putting baby to sleep.

And only then, can you cook dinner for yourself again, because it went cold the first time, and if you’re lucky, you’ll get to scoff it down in 4.5 minutes before the nasty neighbours next door wake the baby up because it’s like the Caribbean outside so all the windows are open and they are loud chavvy nutcases.

3 words. Statutory fucking maternity pay. 

Sorry that’s 4 words. But whatevs. The swearing is needed. It’s shit. I paid my damned taxes. Alot of them too. But statutory maternity pay is crap. I know I know, I should be grateful I get anything, some people get nothing, i know. I am grateful. I’m grateful I get enough to pay my rent, that doesn’t mean I can’t say look, if you (the government) are only paying me half my wages, why can’t my employer pay the other half, y’know. Like, I just birthed a damn human being, kick a girl while she’s lying on her bed on a donut pillow why don’t you!

Why can’t they be like “hey, you just gave birth, and as you’re gonna be home all the time now and you also are going to feed a tiny human with your boobs so your food shopping bill is going to double because you eat like a starving racehorse now! Or your going to feed that tiny human with formula which is EXTORTIONATE! So here, have some more money, you’re gonna need it.”

Plus, every time you do leave the house now, you will always see something your kid might like or need or want so you buy it because you forget you have no fucking money anymore!

Don’t talk shit to me about having no money when you “spent your last 20 quid on cocktails cause oh em gee there was the cutest bartender” I will cut you.

Try being responsible for another person, that can’t do anything, except rely on you to be responsible for them, for everything. 

You have to give up everything so they eat, sleep, poop, smile, talk when they’re supposed to, and when they need to, because they’re small and helpless and perfect and it doesn’t matter what time of the night it is, if they need to eat, you ain’t goin’ to sleep.

Aannnndd, you really have to make sure you pay your bills and stuff cause now the roof is over the tiny human’s head too. No more frivolous anything! (Unless it’s that really cute little book with the pop up things in it that will really make the kid laugh like crazy and it’s costs a small fortune but who cares cause the 3 second smile you’ll get before they eat the book is worth £24.99!)

Again: Hahahahaha. 

I’m sure eventually there may be some days that I might be within 5 minutes of the time I said I’d meet you. But in reality, expect a half hour window either side of that time. Because the likelihood is, that the child will be dressed and ready to go and then he will decide to do the world’s largest poop, which will spread out of the nappy, down both legs and up to his armpits because fuck you mum, we’re not being on time for anything. So then he has to go back in the bath and get dressed all over again, and then so do I because I’m soaked and smell like poop.

Now I can’t say for certain on this point, cause I’m not actually back at work just yet, but I am dreading it, so I’m pretty certain I’m not going to be fine going back to work. It’s the dark cloud looming on my horizon. All I want to do is hide behind my baby. I keep telling him to stop growing because he’s a little toddling boy now, and the longer he stays a baby, the longer I get to spend with him. He pushes me away when I try to kiss his cheeks instead of lying there like a little cute sack of potatoes just letting me kiss him for-like-ever. Because kids are SO my thing now and he’s amazing and I’m going to miss him so much that oh god I think my heart might burst.

And frankly, right now, my career can get fucked. For a lot of reasons. Mainly baby. Maybe I’ll feel different once im actually back in the swing of it, but I doubt it. Me = Baby Mama now and I’m cool with it, I never much liked my career anyway, I was just really good at it.
There’s probably a lot more to this list. What stupid shit did you say before tiny human’s entered your life? Do you look back now and think “Ha! What a twat!” Like I do?

Let me know in the comments, or come follow me on Twitter @Babybird_Mum

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Please stop worsening my mum guilt.


Mum guilt. It’s real. It’s horrible. 
I get accused all the time of being too attached to my son. Of not leaving him alone with other people more often. He has been properly without me twice in his 10 month life. Once when his daddy took him out, he was around 3 months old and they were gone for maybe an hour? And then a second time on mothers day, when his daddy took me out and left him with his grandma.

But there’s something that people don’t see. It’s not because I don’t want him to be with anyone but me. In fact, I’d actually love to have a few hours to myself for once, and let’s not lie, I’m only going to be doing housework or sleeping, but still. But it’s because I get this overwhelming guilt.

It became really apparent to me today that this is (one of many) reasons that I don’t ask people to babysit more often. Let me enlighten you to my thought process.

Today, my SO got given a day off work. He was pretty much out of the door when his boss text him and told him to take today off as he worked Sunday. Brilliant! It gets to around noon, I’ve done breakfast for all three of us, we’ve played and then he’s had a nap (albeit on me because he decided he was having a breastfed nap today, thanks heatwave), I take him back downstairs to his daddy and say “right, I’m gonna go shower”

Now I understand that a 15 minute shower and under the care of daddy does not class as babysitting, but what it does count as , is time to myself. Proper uninterrupted alone showering time.

That is until the guilt hits. Until i suddenly think i can hear him screaming because i left the room and he hasn’t seen me in 3.5 seconds. And then i rush, because oh god it’s not fair on daddy to have him screaming at him like that just because I’m not there.

It’s like, I feel that because I made him and gave birth to him, it’s my job to look after him. Everyone else can obviously have their cuddles and playtime, but when he starts to fuss I feel like that fussing becomes a burden to anyone else. Like they’ll be judging me if I don’t step in sooner. Like secretly they’re thinking “Come on, step up this is your bit, I’ve had the nice bit and he’s done and so am i”

It stems a little from people actually giving him straight back to me as soon as he squeaked when he was smaller. No one ever tried to soothe him, they just assumed he wanted me because he wanted the boob. I’d comply because it would get him to settle quickly, even if I knew he wasn’t hungry or tired, so he’s never been used to anyone other than me settling him. It’s not surprising that I worry he will cry till he wears himself out if I’m gone too long.

It is ridiculous. And I fully understand that. But if I feel that guilt when R is with his daddy for 15 minutes, how on earth will I feel if I leave him with someone else for 3 hours? The guilt will be unbearable.

I know it is something that I have to deal with, and I will, because once I can force my way through that dark cloud of guilt, I know that my baby is in safe hands, and that even if he screams a bit because I’m not there, I will go back to him, and he’ll understand that mummy comes back. And aside from all those things, the two times he has been without me, he was absolutely fine.

So just a word of advice to all the families and friends with new mum’s and new babies in their lives, if you ever find yourself thinking that a mum has gotten too attached to her baby (not that it is a problem frankly, but that is a whole other issue) but just stop and think for a second, that she might just have a serious case of mum guilt, and you telling her that she is too attached but not doing anything to help remedy it, is not helping her at all, all it’s doing is making her think she’s a bad mum.

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Father’s Day is a weird holiday.

It’s filled with images of men who only like sheds, or football, or beer, and they’re all 40-50 somethings who are balding and have a big beer belly. What about the rest of the dad’s who aren’t like that? 

What about the dad’s who like shopping, or tennis and don’t drink? What about the young dads, the fit dads, the full head of hair dads? 

It’s especially difficult when you’re the mum of a child who’s dad doesn’t fit into  the commercial dad bracket. What do I get him? Anything? It’s doesn’t feel like there’s anything really around. There’s all the cliche ‘#1 daddy’ mugs or keyrings or photo frames, but all those things just get put in a cupboard, only to be seen again when moving house and then thrown away. 

And getting nothing feels like I don’t care. 

People suggested to me to cook him dinner, well I do that every day. Let him sleep in and you take the baby, again happens all the time. 

Nothing seemed right. So I feel a bit crap today really. I got a card, and got R to hold the pen while I squiggled his name. Then met him in town and bought him a beer, but now it’s just a regular day. There hasn’t been anything special about today for him, and I feel like a let down. Like I should have done something better. Made more of an effort for him, but I don’t know how. 

If anyone has any suggestions, I’d love to hear them. I’ll keep them in mind for next year!