2

Does my pram make me invisible?


Does it? Or does it make me second class? 

Because that’s how you act. The collective “you” that is most of the British public.

I am walking through the high street, I’m looking where I’m going, I’m being careful not to run into anyone or over anyone’s feet. But one thing that is driving me mental, is that no one cares to give me the same courtesy.

Is it just that I notice it more now I can’t dive around you on my own? Is it that people are just quite inconsiderate? Or is it because you think I can wait, because I can’t be in any rush, because you are more important?

The ignorance is just insane. Honestly, I was out of my house for 2 hours. It takes me 30 minutes to walk to town, so that’s an hour spent on the high street. 7 times (yes, I started counting) people just walked in front of me, cutting across my path and paid no attention to me at all. 4 people did the same and then looked at me like i was at fault! One couple actually stopped dead in front of me to talk to a passing friend and stood there mindlessly while I shouted excuse me 3 times before the wife called me rude and told me to go around (Around would have been into the path of an oncoming bus)

How am I rude for saying excuse me? I said it in a normal tone of voice at first. Its not my fault you are so oblivious to your own surroundings you didn’t hear me so I had to shout it! In fact, it makes you rude for stopping dead in the street, and you’re lucky I didn’t just ram your ankles with my pram.

I am not invisible because I have a pram. I’m not second class to whatever it is you’re doing, meandering along the street giving no fucks. I’m not rude for asking you to politely shift your pretentious arse out of my way! Or would you rather the peaceful sleeping child wake up and scream it at you because he’s stopped moving right when he’s just settled to sleep?

To those without babies, small children or tiny aliens for all I care, just be a little considerate when you’re walking along that a mum, with a pram might be bombing it down the high street, so she can get home and have some lunch without said tiny human attempting to King Kong her legs while she eats.
I know you either don’t know or don’t remember how that feels, as all your meals are eaten at a leisurely pace these days, but for those of us still raising the next generation, let us get past you, mum’s need to eat too!!

2

Please stop worsening my mum guilt.


Mum guilt. It’s real. It’s horrible. 
I get accused all the time of being too attached to my son. Of not leaving him alone with other people more often. He has been properly without me twice in his 10 month life. Once when his daddy took him out, he was around 3 months old and they were gone for maybe an hour? And then a second time on mothers day, when his daddy took me out and left him with his grandma.

But there’s something that people don’t see. It’s not because I don’t want him to be with anyone but me. In fact, I’d actually love to have a few hours to myself for once, and let’s not lie, I’m only going to be doing housework or sleeping, but still. But it’s because I get this overwhelming guilt.

It became really apparent to me today that this is (one of many) reasons that I don’t ask people to babysit more often. Let me enlighten you to my thought process.

Today, my SO got given a day off work. He was pretty much out of the door when his boss text him and told him to take today off as he worked Sunday. Brilliant! It gets to around noon, I’ve done breakfast for all three of us, we’ve played and then he’s had a nap (albeit on me because he decided he was having a breastfed nap today, thanks heatwave), I take him back downstairs to his daddy and say “right, I’m gonna go shower”

Now I understand that a 15 minute shower and under the care of daddy does not class as babysitting, but what it does count as , is time to myself. Proper uninterrupted alone showering time.

That is until the guilt hits. Until i suddenly think i can hear him screaming because i left the room and he hasn’t seen me in 3.5 seconds. And then i rush, because oh god it’s not fair on daddy to have him screaming at him like that just because I’m not there.

It’s like, I feel that because I made him and gave birth to him, it’s my job to look after him. Everyone else can obviously have their cuddles and playtime, but when he starts to fuss I feel like that fussing becomes a burden to anyone else. Like they’ll be judging me if I don’t step in sooner. Like secretly they’re thinking “Come on, step up this is your bit, I’ve had the nice bit and he’s done and so am i”

It stems a little from people actually giving him straight back to me as soon as he squeaked when he was smaller. No one ever tried to soothe him, they just assumed he wanted me because he wanted the boob. I’d comply because it would get him to settle quickly, even if I knew he wasn’t hungry or tired, so he’s never been used to anyone other than me settling him. It’s not surprising that I worry he will cry till he wears himself out if I’m gone too long.

It is ridiculous. And I fully understand that. But if I feel that guilt when R is with his daddy for 15 minutes, how on earth will I feel if I leave him with someone else for 3 hours? The guilt will be unbearable.

I know it is something that I have to deal with, and I will, because once I can force my way through that dark cloud of guilt, I know that my baby is in safe hands, and that even if he screams a bit because I’m not there, I will go back to him, and he’ll understand that mummy comes back. And aside from all those things, the two times he has been without me, he was absolutely fine.

So just a word of advice to all the families and friends with new mum’s and new babies in their lives, if you ever find yourself thinking that a mum has gotten too attached to her baby (not that it is a problem frankly, but that is a whole other issue) but just stop and think for a second, that she might just have a serious case of mum guilt, and you telling her that she is too attached but not doing anything to help remedy it, is not helping her at all, all it’s doing is making her think she’s a bad mum.