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Stupid sh*t I said before I had a kid. 

We all say things we don’t mean, sometimes we don’t even know we don’t mean them till after the fact, so for today’s little peek into my world, here’s a little list of some of the stupid shit I used to say before I had a kid!

Are you someone with no children? Do you think your tired because you worked this week? And because on your day off you had to do something adult like laundry or food Shopping? And you sit down at the end of that day and think to yourself “God, I’m shattered now” 

YOU’RE WRONG.

You’re not tired. You’re not even close to tired. You’re merely a little low on energy, but you’re not exhausted.

Exhausted is when you have a tiny human following you round like they are your shadow for 12 hours a day. Tired is when you haven’t slept more than 4 hours a night since before you became the size of a 2 bed house about a year ago. Knackered is when you don’t remember the last time you didn’t feel like you needed to nap 5 minutes after waking up in the morning.

Word of advice: If you don’t have kids, don’t EVER say you’re tired in front of someone who does. And if you do, and they bitch slap you, you deserved it.

Let’s start this point with this: Hahahahahahahahah. 

Okay, so you think you’re busy between work, socialising, Instagram story-ing, and drinking? Try doing everything ever with a 19 pound dead weight attached to either your hip or leg. Like 4 loads of washing in a day. 3 loads of dishes. Emptying the rubbish twice. Showering yourself. Bathing the baby (granted at this point baby is not attached to legs or hips but still requiring 100% of your attention) Going grocery shopping. Cleaning the fridge. Putting that shopping away. Trying to drink a cup of tea that’s actually hot (yeah right!) Making dinner for baby. Making dinner for yourself. Put washing on line and in tumble dryer.  Still trying to drink hot cuppa. Putting washing back in tumble dryer because baby pulled it out again. Putting dry clothes in wardrobes. Repairing a fallen curtain pole. Changing ALL the bedding in the house. Bathing baby AGAIN and showering yourself again. Then putting baby to sleep.

And only then, can you cook dinner for yourself again, because it went cold the first time, and if you’re lucky, you’ll get to scoff it down in 4.5 minutes before the nasty neighbours next door wake the baby up because it’s like the Caribbean outside so all the windows are open and they are loud chavvy nutcases.

3 words. Statutory fucking maternity pay. 

Sorry that’s 4 words. But whatevs. The swearing is needed. It’s shit. I paid my damned taxes. Alot of them too. But statutory maternity pay is crap. I know I know, I should be grateful I get anything, some people get nothing, i know. I am grateful. I’m grateful I get enough to pay my rent, that doesn’t mean I can’t say look, if you (the government) are only paying me half my wages, why can’t my employer pay the other half, y’know. Like, I just birthed a damn human being, kick a girl while she’s lying on her bed on a donut pillow why don’t you!

Why can’t they be like “hey, you just gave birth, and as you’re gonna be home all the time now and you also are going to feed a tiny human with your boobs so your food shopping bill is going to double because you eat like a starving racehorse now! Or your going to feed that tiny human with formula which is EXTORTIONATE! So here, have some more money, you’re gonna need it.”

Plus, every time you do leave the house now, you will always see something your kid might like or need or want so you buy it because you forget you have no fucking money anymore!

Don’t talk shit to me about having no money when you “spent your last 20 quid on cocktails cause oh em gee there was the cutest bartender” I will cut you.

Try being responsible for another person, that can’t do anything, except rely on you to be responsible for them, for everything. 

You have to give up everything so they eat, sleep, poop, smile, talk when they’re supposed to, and when they need to, because they’re small and helpless and perfect and it doesn’t matter what time of the night it is, if they need to eat, you ain’t goin’ to sleep.

Aannnndd, you really have to make sure you pay your bills and stuff cause now the roof is over the tiny human’s head too. No more frivolous anything! (Unless it’s that really cute little book with the pop up things in it that will really make the kid laugh like crazy and it’s costs a small fortune but who cares cause the 3 second smile you’ll get before they eat the book is worth £24.99!)

Again: Hahahahaha. 

I’m sure eventually there may be some days that I might be within 5 minutes of the time I said I’d meet you. But in reality, expect a half hour window either side of that time. Because the likelihood is, that the child will be dressed and ready to go and then he will decide to do the world’s largest poop, which will spread out of the nappy, down both legs and up to his armpits because fuck you mum, we’re not being on time for anything. So then he has to go back in the bath and get dressed all over again, and then so do I because I’m soaked and smell like poop.

Now I can’t say for certain on this point, cause I’m not actually back at work just yet, but I am dreading it, so I’m pretty certain I’m not going to be fine going back to work. It’s the dark cloud looming on my horizon. All I want to do is hide behind my baby. I keep telling him to stop growing because he’s a little toddling boy now, and the longer he stays a baby, the longer I get to spend with him. He pushes me away when I try to kiss his cheeks instead of lying there like a little cute sack of potatoes just letting me kiss him for-like-ever. Because kids are SO my thing now and he’s amazing and I’m going to miss him so much that oh god I think my heart might burst.

And frankly, right now, my career can get fucked. For a lot of reasons. Mainly baby. Maybe I’ll feel different once im actually back in the swing of it, but I doubt it. Me = Baby Mama now and I’m cool with it, I never much liked my career anyway, I was just really good at it.
There’s probably a lot more to this list. What stupid shit did you say before tiny human’s entered your life? Do you look back now and think “Ha! What a twat!” Like I do?

Let me know in the comments, or come follow me on Twitter @Babybird_Mum

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7 Essential Tips for Flying with Baby


My son was 9 months old when we took him for the first time on a 10.5 hour flight. This is based on my own experiences, and of course, not everything works for every baby, every time. 

Feed on take off and landing. 

I’ve seen conflicting advice on this one. Most things you read or get told will advise you to feed your baby during take off and landing. Whether that breast, bottle or snacks doesn’t really matter, the point is that they’re chewing or swallowing helps to release the air pressure in their ears.  

I chose to take the advice because I didn’t want to risk it and have a screaming child. However, on our flight we had a stop where we didn’t leave the plane, R was asleep during both landing and taking off again on the way home and didn’t seem to mind at all. 

Don’t take masses of toys on the plane

Learn from my mistake here. I was terrified he would get bored on a 10+ hour flight. So I packed a bunch of things in the carry on and took this giant duffel bag full of things that were not nessecary. 

He spent 10+ hours either eating, sleeping, playing with the duty free magazines or chewing a wooden worm we bought in a service station on the way to the airport. 

Pretty much all the toys went in the suitcase on the way back, and the giant duffel bag. 

Book the bulkhead seats if you can. 

Most airlines will allow you to do this for free if you have booked your child as an “Infant on Lap”, so they don’t have their own seats. 

The bulkhead seats have a little more leg room and the option to have a bassinet (again, most airlines) But it is worth checking this before you book. Bassinets are also subject to availability and you cannot use them for take off, landing or during turbulence. (Yes they will ask you to remove your baby even if he/she is asleep) 

You can take as much baby food, milk or formula on the flight as you need to. 

It doesn’t come under the restrictions for liquids, however they do state a “Reasonable amount” for your flight length.  

Some security agents may ask you to test the food by tasting it, or pull you to one side so they can put it in a machine to test it. 

 Pouch food is fine on British Airways (I checked before flying) as long as the seal isn’t broken, but worth checking with other airlines as most seem to state glass jars when talking about food. 

It is worth putting it in separate clear bags, the TSA agents actually thanked me for doing this as most people leave it in the baby bag until they get questioned about it after their bag has been through the x-ray. 

Try to keep within routine as much as possible, especially for long haul flights.

Lots of advice I read said to book night flights, because your baby will sleep through it, which is great, as long as your baby is one of the few that actually sleeps through the night. 

Really, just stick with routine as much as you can. This wasn’t terribly hard for us on the way out, and our flight leaving and landing times actually worked out quite well to coincide with nap times. 

Just try your best to stick with it. 

Take extra blankets

I took 3 of his blankets on the plane with us. Now I know a plane isn’t arctic temperatures, but spares, ya know?! 

Also, when he didn’t mess any of them, he had one nice blanket to keep him warm in the bassinet, I then had the other 2, one to keep me warm (plane blankets are horrible) and one as a pillow (plane pillows are also terrible!) 

Pay no mind to people who want to judge you for taking your baby on a plane

So on both our outbound and inbound flight, we had some arse who wanted to make a point of us taking our baby on a plane. 

Now, for babies on their first flight, mine was an actual angel. Like the sun shone from him that day. It was the best behaved he’s ever been. Nothing phased him. He didn’t cry a single time, not even a whimper. 

But some utter arse, decided that when my sweet little angel child was playing on the floor with previously mentioned worm, and saying “DA DA DA DA” he wanted to tell him to Shut up. Me and my partner almost flipped out. 

Muttering something about how people with Kids should “Just stay home” made me want to beat his pretentious ass. But instead i just gently reminded him that maybe he should charter his own flight if it’s that important to him, but that given he’s sat in economy like the rest of us, he should stop pretending that he’s any better than us “common as muck” who want to take their kids to see family on the other side of the world, and stick his headphones in and enjoy the in flight entertainment. 

Pay no mind to these people. They are mindless idiots who think they’re better than everyone. If you want to do that viral thing where you hand out little packages before you fly, go for it. But I’m not going to apologise for taking my kid on holiday, and no one should feel like they have to. 

Babies cry, they shout, they bang their toys on things, but they are babies. Cut them some slack. 

My last bit of advice on this post is to simply not do yourself in worrying about the flight. It will be fine no matter what, if you have to spend the time walking the aisles it’s a shitty experience, yes, but it’s not the end of the world, and soon enough you’ll be at your destination. And the less stressed you are, the less stressed your baby will be. 
Got any other tips? Leave them in the comments!